Finding my balls....

I have been wanting to start a blog for awhile now, but to tell you the truth I feel that so much water has gone under the bridge it was hard to know where to start.  First, I guess I'll tell you that I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer at age 40, and I have two incredible teenage girls and thankfully the love of my life is also my wonderful husband, life is good and we are very happy.

There is an amazing transformation that takes place when you find out you have cancer.  All of a sudden you feel like you have been separated from the herd, that the busy-ness of everyday life is now so unimportant and the future feels like it is only for other people.  Who cares about shopping for a new couch, etc...  In fact, I remember a profound moment when I realized that the car we just leased may be part of our family longer that I would.  Very bizarre thing to go through.

When I look back I have to acknowledge that there have been many dark moments, but I also have to recognize that the blessing of this year have been overwhelming.  Without a moment of hesitation I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing.

The first painful decision was my decision on treatment.  Something in my gut said that Chemo, radiation and hormone therapy would kill my (I did have a lumpectomy and lymph node dissection).  I had to find another way that worked with my body to build it up and make it stronger, instead of what felt like tearing my body completely down and hope that I can rebuild it.

The pressure was tremendous and causing me a great deal of stress.  My family, in particular my parents made it painful clear that I needed to do chemo, etc...  It was almost as though I was being selfish for wanting to choose another way.  I was even told, "you need to think about your children".  I got pretty angry about that.  As if I wasn't thinking of my girls and husband at the fore front of all of this.  Of course I was.

The pressure was causing me a great deal of stress, which then turned to anger, as I realized that I had a right to make my own decisions, and listen to my body, and NO ONE had the right to try and compel me to do what they wanted me to. How could I possibly embark upon a treatment that my instincts were signaling would ultimately kill me.

So ultimately I told those that were clearly discouraging me from the path that I had chosen to fuck off. Ha!  How do you like that?

This is so uncharacteristic for me - I didn't realize that my girls had over heard my telephone conversation with my mom of all people, let's just say they were a bit shocked!

So first of, dealing with cancer takes balls.  Apparently, I have balls... just didn't know it until now!

The way I saw it - support me, or leave me the fuck alone.  I don't have the luxury of doubt and people who want to second guess my decision.  After all, no one wants me to get better, more than me!

This has been a turning point for me in life.  I have realized that one of the gifts from this was to be ok making decisions for me.  That it was ok for me not to have my parents approval, and that I was still seeking it in my 40's.  Pathetic.  My parents will say that "you need to live your own life" they say those words, but I believe they are unconscious to how uncomfortable they make it if living your own life isn't what they had in mind.

But that is their problem not mine. (admittedly though this is still a work in progress for me, but I have the awareness and I am working hard to break free of the need for their approval and acceptance)

I think I'll end there for today.  I would like to say in closing, I don't want to talk about breast cancer, or my cancer, I have moved past it.  I don't want any pink ribbon crap, and I don't want my life or this blog to be about cancer.  Fuck that.  What I do want is to share what I am learning that is making me stronger, healthier and altogether feel great, with the hope that my you will stumble across this site and find information that could be helpful with whatever situation you are dealing with.

I would also like to say that I am not against anyone having traditional treatment.  As I have learned, everyone has to make their own decision, as to what is right for them.  I respect that completely, because I know how much it sucks to have someone else impose their opinion of what they think you should be doing.

There are no guarantees in life, or with any course of treatment when dealing with cancer.  That's the bottom line.  My heart felt prayer is that we all find and pursue what is best for each of us.

Stay Stinky,

Marika